"A strange calm possessed me. I thought more clearly than I had ever thought before - as if my mind were bathed in a brilliant light."

The meeting with the dietitian went very well. I came out of her office with a sense that this is the path I should go. If nothing gets in the way, I will have lap band surgery as soon as all the pre-op steps have been taken.

Since that meeting I've had some blood work and a gall bladder ultrasound (surgeon required it), scheduled the necessary meeting with the psychologist, made an appointment with my cardiologist and scheduled the endoscopy for my esophagus. All of these are the remainder of the pre-op for me; not all of it is standard.

Now that I'm content with the decision to get the lap band I want it to happen soon. I want to get on track for my health and overall well-being. I'm now mindful of food and drink in ways I've never been before. I will never be able, nor do I want to be able, to eat the way I have for the past many years. As a friend of mine, who had gastric bypass last year said, "everything you think  you'll miss pales in comparison to the weight loss you'll experience." I don't expect to never be able to have a Godiva chocolate truffle again, but I do expect to have only a bite of one satisfy a chocolate craving.

I'm not deluded into thinking weight loss surgery is the magic fix-all. It will only be a tool; I need to be in control at all times and make this a success for myself.

What do I want out of lap band surgery? I want to feel and be healthy, I want to move around in the world without taking up so much space, I want to look on the outside the way I feel on the inside, I want the nice clothes I buy to fit and look good on me. I want to improve my quality of life.

"Maybe the best way to begin is to start thinking about the future. "

The past few weeks I've had sudden moments of introspection. Rather unexpectedly, all of the negative physical aspects of being Large have become crystal clear. Walking into a restaurant and hoping to be seated at a table, not a booth; taking a tour of an historical building and hoping I can make it up the stairs; letting my husband get me food at a buffet because who wants to see the fat woman filling her plate?--all of these things I've dealt with over the past 15 or so years to the point where I've allowed myself to become immune to them. Now I'm seeing them all with my eyes wide open. This is what I've been willing to settle for? Is this all I want out of life? Looking through a catalog of lovely clothes, and the first thing I look for is if they come in 3x/4x or bigger. They don't. I can't wear those lovely things. The Larger I've become, the smaller my life has become.

Today I had my first visit to the dietitian. I wasn't sure what to expect, so there was a little anxiety. Would I have to be weighed? Why didn't I drink more water this morning so I wouldn't weigh as much? What would she tell me about what my life was to become, post-surgery? I had pre-conceived notions of all I'd have to give up regarding food. Some of what I'd read on the internet had me concerned. Would I have to eat mushy food from now on? Would I have to give up wine, which my husband and I enjoy so much? Would I be actually starving my body in order to get thin?

I'm relieved to say that the consultation with the dietitian was a very positive experience. She was very low-key, which I appreciated, but insistent on being sure I understood some very important information. The required intake of water, protein, nutritional supplements--none of it is alien to me and reflects some of what I've been trying to do on my own. She took me through what to expect and what is required for the first several months post-surgery. What I had in my head really had little to do with reality, it appeared. At some point I'll be able to eat the same food as everyone else, but in very, very small quantities. Rather than having a future of deprivation, I'll have a future of conservative moderation. Looking ahead, I can see that my nutritional needs will be met, as well as my social needs with regard to food when eating out, and my health needs will be met as I successfully lose weight. I came out of that meeting feeling nearly giddy with relief! I can see this working for me. I can see myself being contented and successful.

Oh, and by the way--I wasn't weighed. Happy me  :-)

"Almost beyond the imagination . . . A strange adventure into the unknown!"

Tomorrow is my first real step toward weight loss surgery--tomorrow I see the dietitian. It is required by my insurance company and, actually, something I need to do to get my mind around what I'm proposing to do. Lap band surgery. Safer and less drastic than bypass surgery, while overall, equally successful.

Two years ago this October my cardiologist spoke a term with which I was unfamiliar. "Bariatric surgery." I had to ask him to define it, and when he did, I was stunned. Sure, I was overweight, but I'd never considered that someone my size would need, much less be qualified for, weight loss surgery. I determined to work on losing weight myself, once again.

How many diets and eating plans have I been on for the past 25+ years? I've lost track...but what I haven't lost is weight, or at least, not for the long-term. Never one to stuff my face with a box of cookies, a bag of chips, or a half-gallon (or even a pint!) of ice cream, I would gain weight simply by eating like everyone around me who didn't gain weight. Looking at me, though, one would think I'm sitting in front of my TV snarfing down fried chicken or a platter of nachos. People look at me and I know they're thinking, "Lack of self-control."

Last January I hit my all-time high weight. I can't even write it down yet. A year and a half since my introduction to the concept of bariatric surgery, in January I went to a bariatric surgery informational seminar. Still not totally convinced, I kicked things into high gear and went on a controlled-carb diet of my own design. With having taken time off the diet for special occasions I've still lost 20 lbs. in four months. This short journey has taken me toward a much longer one--after the seminar in January I consulted with a different surgeon from a large, prestigious hospital on the East Coast. Large, and impersonal. I told a friend I felt like I was on a conveyor belt in a weight-loss factory. The lack of connection with who I am and what I wanted from surgery made me realize this was not where I wanted to go to change my life. In addition to the impersonal approach I also felt pushed toward gastric bypass, which was not what I wanted. The doctor's assistant finally asked me, if the doctor recommended bypass, what would I do? I answered that I wouldn't have surgery at all then. She seemed to perceive a lack of commitment on my part since I wouldn't get on board with re-routing my digestive system.

So I took the next step. I went back to the surgeon who conducted the seminar in January. This consultation was in stark contrast to the other experience. Relaxed, conversational, and encouraging, this surgeon made me feel as if the surgery was about ME, not about a particular procedure. I began to feel more comfortable with what I was considering.

So, tomorrow--dietitian. The single step.